Thank You For Pit Stopping With Me

I had assumed I wouldn't write until school ended or I had gotten fired for flipping 8th period Algebra II the bird. As it turns out, they're short on math teachers so they tend to look the other way unless they catch you physically coupled with a 16-year old.

However, Babycakes felt I should write up about the social event of the season, seeing as how it bypassed Martha's radar. My only regret is that I didn't have a camera *weep* and that you'll have to relive the experience via my wordsmithing.

I knew it was a klassic in the making when the invitation arrived with tape, White-Out and ink scrawled directions to the reception. During my own wedding preparation, my mother made the comment - "If anybody throws food, I'm leaving." This invitation was screaming for that comment with its not so subtle pleas for gift cards from Wal-Mart.

Babycakes and I groomed as best we could knowing what was in store for a gorgeous Saturday thrown down the crapper. Driving up to the church, I have never felt so well dressed, so thin (and I'm not) and so put together as I did at this wedding. Babycakes and I don't set bars, we lower them. Today...we were top rung.

The woman entering the church in front of me wore pantyhose with sandals. But at least she attempted clothing that said "Hey - I'm not going to the 7-11 for breakfast taquitos". An entire family wore t-shirts. The sister-of-the-groom wore leggings. We're pretty sure some dude had fun fur on his boots and there were no less than 2 black leather jackets with chains.

At least the bride's side of the church looked like they were attending some sort of function whereas the groom's side sorta woke up, pulled their face off the Cheetoh's bag and dressed from the best on the floor. They may or may not have Febreze-ed.

The groom and a groomsman chewed gum throughout the service. The groom chest-bumped the father-of-the-bride when he handed the bride over and I admired the father-of-the-bride's restraint by not putting his fist through the groom's gum-chawing jaw. Babycakes paid up the $5 when a bridesmaid flashed tattoo and an extra 25 cents when the bride and groom smashed cake in each other's face.

After piling out of the church, which was suprisingly orderly given the t-shirt count, we followed the redneck van to the reception. You can't lose a vehicle with classic stickers like "I still miss my ex, but my aim is getting better" and "Keep honking buddy, I'm reloading".

We parked far away from them. And locked the doors.

Babycakes and I were surprised to find ourselves sitting alone for most of the event. Our neighbours who were in theory seated with us had been duped into serving up the canned peaches and fried chicken to the Springer horde. They managed to squeeze in 5 minutes of chitchat with us at our table, but I guess the vegetable tray ran out of ranch dressing when Metallica t-shirt guy and Redskins Sweatshirt man strolled in looking for food.

On the plus side, there were two huge coolers filled with cold beer and all the boxed wine you could drink. Did I already try to convey that this was not meant to be a casual affair? Who the hell cared after the first five brewskis? I know I didn't.

(*pic of the wedding favors...really...*)

*gulp*

Time did permit during the break to work on the next Vanilla Ice production, but I felt my time was better spent honing my Rock Band drumming and guitar skillz. Watch out Tommy Lee! Or don't watch out as the case may be.


Turns out that if my 7 year old neighbor drums while GirlChild works the foot pedal and BoyChild sings while I guitar...we're not half bad. Or half-good.


This two week break held a lot of firsts for me that I'd like to share...


1) It's my first time that I housed a dead cat in my garage for 3 days. My poor old cat Mina decided to kick the bucket on the floor of my bedroom while I was reading a book. She sort of let out a little squeak and when I looked over, her tongue was hanging out of her mouth. We were sad.

We wrapped her in blankets and put her on the sofa in the garage. I guess I wanted Babycakes to have a final viewing or something.


The next day was pretty cold so we left her on the sofa. And thought about Pet Semetary.


The next day was even colder, but three days was my max since I'm already fearing that we have a cat ghost. A good friend of mine informed me of a great pact she has with her fam...if you think you're gonna die...you have to pull yourself out to the yard first. I second that emotion!


2) I snorted cayenne pepper up my nose.


I rarely cook. And by rarely, I mean that my kids made the comment the other day - "Hey! This dinner is hot!"


Anyhow...I made one of the few dishes I know how to make which involves lentils and rice and some Indian spices. I tossed in some cayenne pepper. My nose itched. I wiped my nose with the hand that contained cayenne pepper residue and snorted. It burns.


3) Redneck Headrests


Babycakes manufactured some redneck headrests so we had something to strap the DVD monitors to on the drive to Savannah. Yee Haw! Pictures of the styrofoam blocks with dowels when I can find the cable for the camera.

We successfully blended at our annual pitstop at South of the Border. I'm not sure if it was the headrests or that our minivan has lost all four hubcaps now and has a Snorlax sticker on the back windshield.


Happy New Year All!

SURVIVOR: ICE EDITION

Episodes coming (as time permits during the break)...

Dear Diary,

I can't believe it - after 15 consecutive video submissions, I was finally chosen to be on Survivor! I'm pretty sure it was getting "I 'heart' Jeff" tattooed on my left pec that did it. God, it burns. I hope the first challenge isn't swimming or the salt water will kill.

Yours,
V. Ice

Alice Does Modern Design

It's been a while, but this post practically wrote itself.

I guess having a blog where you haven't blogged in over a month does tend to attract businesses that would like to advertise to the three people who swing by every now and then to see if I've decided to write about the extraordinary ability of students to write profanities on my graphing calculators while failing to add two numbers together correctly.

I was contacted via e-mail.

Hello,I'd appreciate if you can give me some feedback on our site: www.regencyshop.com and our item hanging Ball chair.

I realize that you are home decor-modern design connoisseur :) I'd like to hear your opinion/feedback on our products. Also, it'd be swell if you can place our link on your
blog.

Thank you,Sean


Well, thank you Sean. I am indeed a home decor-modern design connoisseur. You're the first person to acknowledge my latent talents and I'm here to showcase what I can do for the average blogger's home.

I call this UTILITY BIN, or in IKEA-speak -URFNA



For $11.35, not only can you fill your cat litter box, but you can place your pruning shears inside so that when it fills with water from the rain, they'll be good and rusty by next spring.


And because I AM a home decor-modern design connoisseur, I like when things are multi-functional. Fortunately, URFNA is great for storing batons, baseball bats and swords too.



This lovely little dandy came from some leftovers my mother-in-law sent. Little did she know that the lid was great for catching MOST of the water and even better at trapping water underneath on the window sill.




Home decor-modern design connoisseurs strive for new and exciting looks. I call this: I'm-too-lazy-to-pull-out-all-the-Christmas-ornaments-because-we're-going-out-of-town-so-I'll-let-the-kids-hang-deflated-balloons-and-assorted-crap-on-a-prelit-tree.




Keeping with the spirit of URFNA, SAMAD does a fine job of keeping all your wrapping paper together. Sorta. When it doesn't tip over.

I'll leave you with the blogging world's home decor-modern design connoisseur's ultimate design secret. When you have a large empty space that you don't know how to fill - BEACH BALLS.

I Must Be The Best Teacher In The World!

This didn't scan as clearly as I would have liked.
His reply that you can barely read...

"No, because it is not consistent? Damn I don't know this stuff. HA HA. was I close?"